The
other day an email was sent to the church from a person saying they
were leaving the church because of some things the priest said in his
sermon. Two important things to note: no one remembers seeing this
person in church in the last couple of years; my husband, the current
priest, likely arrived after this person stopped attending, and he
definitely never said the things this person believes they heard.
This was a mere passing topic of conversation at the dinner table and
not a major crisis or anything like that, but it did remind me of
something that I really struggled with in ministry … and in life:
losing control of people's perceptions of you.
At my last appointment (what we Methodists call
churches where the Bishop assigns us) I remember going to a Clergy
Day Apart a few months after I started, I had walked into a bit of a
tumultuous situation at that church and so I was hanging on to every
piece of wisdom, direction or advice I could get. So when Bishop
Bruce Ough talked about perfectionists I was all ears. He said that
perfectionists try to control the way others perceive them. Yes! That
was/is/sometimes is me.
Trying to make sure everyone sees you in a
positive light is incredibly frustrating and difficult in any role,
and I felt this particularly in a public role as pastor. There was at
least one person who would not even set foot in the church they had
attended for years because there is an F instead of an M next to
gender on my driver's license. The other thing that makes this even
trickier for me is my need for honesty, being real. I am very
vulnerable in sermons, newsletter articles, small groups, etc. For me
sermons come from the places where I see Holy Spirit and life
intersecting and often that involves sharing stories and feelings
from my life. So sometimes I leave situations feeling weird, as if I
overshared and lost sight of how I was being perceived by others.
There are times, when despite our best efforts
at being likable people just don't like us. I have certainly had
these experiences and I tell myself it doesn't matter, I tell myself
it does not change who I am but it still doesn't feel good. There was
a person in a congregation I pastored that said untrue things about
me. I trusted this person and when I found out they were telling
people these things about me it hurt. As a pastor I always try to
love people and be careful with my words so I pushed away the
temptation to talk badly about them right back or say the angry
things I was saying in my head.
There was no happy, picture-perfect resolution
to that situation as much as I tried for one and I have no idea how
many people still think those bad things about me, but … I'm ok.
There have been more personal and painful rejections in my life and
in the end I survived them all. One day as I was driving home from
work contemplating some church conflict or something I was listening
to a book on CD by Eckhart Tolle and the thoughts spinning in my head
came to a crashing halt when I heard these words “you are more than
other people's projections of you.” I can't tell you how many times
I have repeated those words to myself.
I am back in ministry now, although in a very
different way. Now I am quarter time and not the person in charge of
running the whole church, but I am so glad to have those lessons in
my toolbox now. Especially in such divisive times.
I listened to this podcast the other day called
On Being by Krista Tippett and it was a conversation (yes an
actual conversation) between Sally Kohn, a liberal pundit, and Erik
Erikson, a conservative pundit. It was the most refreshing thing I
have heard in a long time. These people on opposite sides of so many
issues were able to reveal their hearts, their experiences, their
beliefs and find goodness in the other. They were able to shed all of
the projections put on them for a moment and talk. So many times we
think we know someone because of what they believe or how they vote.
We project onto them all of our fears, our frustrations, our
heartache and passion and under all of those projections the actual
human person can no longer be seen. Maybe it is time to start
throwing away the projections, the emotionally charged emails, the
nasty comments and really try to see each other.