Scary Sadness

    One of my go to methods for getting out of a spiral in my head is to go for a run.  This is especially true during these pandemic days when I start to feel trapped or frustrated or hopeless.  I count on the endorphins to do their thing and they usually do.  Recently I found myself in one of the valleys I sometimes encounter on this "safer at home" journey of peaks and valleys.  I set off for a run and put on one of my favorite podcasts "WTF with Marc Maron."  He was interviewing Zach Braff.  Zach was talking about the many losses he has been through during the past year and the impact that has had on his mental health.  He talked about his experiences with depression over the years. He talked about the times he felt sad due to circumstances and then the other times when his life was great but he just couldn't get out of his funk.  He talked about how those are the scariest ones, when there isn't a real reason but you just keep feeling depressed.  It resonated with me so much.  I am healthy, I have a great family, things are going well and yet sometimes I find myself stuck in a room of angst, sadness I can't put my finger on and a sense of impending doom. 

    When I am grieving a loved one the sadness makes sense and the tears flow freely with a kind of beauty that reflects my love for the person I lost. It is a sadness I expect and understand.  However, this other kind of sadness makes no sense to me, is unexpected, and I can never seem to "figure it out" or "solve it."  I have my go to methods like running, conversations with friends, meditation/prayer, long hot showers, therapy and other things that help, but because I never understand the why or how of it, there is always a fear that it won't go away.

    That fear came when I experienced post partum depression.  It was intense and terrifying.  It did not make any sense.  I was bonded with my baby, we were healthy, we were loved and I very much wanted him.  Yet there it was.  I couldn't shake it.  I kept thinking it should go away soon.  I should feel better.  I should feel grateful.  Yet there it was.  

    It did go away.  It took about ten months and there were a number of factors that helped.  I never lost my faith in God during it, but my faith in myself was pretty shaky.  I felt betrayed by my own mind.  I felt let down by my own inner resources.  I felt terrified that it wouldn't end and the person I was would be gone forever.  

    So when the scary type of sadness comes I have that voice in my head that says "what if it doesn't go away."  My life experiences have shown me that it will, but for many people it is hard to see that.  Believing that we shouldn't feel a certain way, comparing ourselves to others we feel are worse off and getting angry at our lack of gratitude ... all of this just adds shame to our sadness.  

    These days of isolation and uncertainty give us more time to think and more time in our heads.  My Facebook feed is full of people sick with COVID, my text messages are full of people grieving loved ones lost to COVID and the news is happy to report all of the dire statistics.  So the sadness can seem scary.  I try to remind myself that being human means having the full spectrum of emotions.  I remind myself of the gifts of faith and connection that I nurture when I am sad.  Mostly I remind myself that nothing lasts forever ... not even the scary sadness.