At 3 am
I was startled awake by my nine-year-old standing in front of my bed. “Mommy, I think I might throw up.” The next four hours were a blur of gentle
touches, trashcans, reassuring words, prayers and cartoons in the dark I saw
through sleepy eyes. Was it COVID? Would
we all get it? What meetings do I need to cancel today? All the while I still had a pit in my stomach
from when my doctor called to tell me my first mammogram showed something in
one breast. Two days later after covid
tests and lots of laundry I randomly picked a seat at the school board
meeting. I quickly realized the people
all around me were very upset. As I sat
there listening to the anger in people’s voices … anger directed at those
sitting in the very same seats I am campaigning for, my mind bounced between
feeling compassion for everyone upset, thinking about my messaging as a
candidate, wondering if the covid numbers will keep rising, wondering if my
kids will get covid and fighting that anxiety knot from the diagnostic
mammogram scheduled the next day.
Days
kept going full of meetings, emails, phone calls, youth group events to run,
permission slips to gather, sermons to prepare [I just had to pause and text my
husband, asking him to bring home my vestments because I left them at the
Episcopal Church and I need them for serving Communion at The Methodist Church
tomorrow]. As I bounce from thing to
thing I remember that when I decided to run for School Board someone gave me
this warning “as you campaign there will be traps along the way, be careful not
to get caught in them.” At the time I
had no idea what he meant. Now I
know.
Everyone
wants me to be something. I am not
conservative enough for the conservatives and not liberal enough for the
liberals. People tell me “I will support
you if …” and then tell me how to change
my messaging. I get invitations to
events and have to ask myself if it is actually a way for me to share my
message and connect with people or a way for people to put me in a corner,
label me a certain way and then tune out everything I have to say.
Last
Tuesday my husband had a meeting so I led Morning Prayer on Facebook
myself. The scriptures were: Psalm 26,
Kings 8:65-9:9 and Mark 14:66-72. Over
and over again I kept hearing about integrity.
I felt emotional reading them because they felt like the exact thing my
heart needed to hear. Campaigning and
being a pastor have many similarities.
In both situations people want you to align with what they already think
and believe. In both situations support
from others can feel conditional and uncertain.
In both situations if you do not tend to your soul and remember who you
are then you get lost. Standing at all
these school Open Houses reminds me a bit of standing in the post worship
greeting lines. Most people are in a
hurry and you just try to say whatever you can as quickly as you can, some
people are upset and you try to do your best to listen and respond in a way
that is genuine and honest and some are ready to connect with you and you feel
so appreciative of a moment to truly see another and feel seen.
Today I find myself with something rare: time to myself. As I sort through all the anxious thoughts I have had these past few weeks, process the fears and think about the things that have upset me and why and also the things that have moved me and why, I find myself feeling like I want to cry. Not the kind of cry I expected- not because I feel overwhelmed or scared or sad, but the kind of cry that comes from a heart overwhelmed with gratitude. I feel so incredibly grateful. The mammogram was fine, just dense tissue. The kids are fine, all negative covid tests, all recovered and so incredibly happy to be going to in person school. My mom just got her booster shot. The big church event last Sunday went really well and was really fun. I was the first name drawn for the ballot order lottery meaning I will be the first of seven names listed on the ballot (for three spots). Several of the current school board members have been incredibly helpful and kind. And I have gotten to meet some great people and learn about really wonderful things at all the schools I have been to. I am learning so much. And I got all nine burrs out of my dog’s fur with minimal biting. All a reminder that I will be ok no matter what, not because life is easy, not because bad things don’t happen but because I can remember who I am regardless of all of that.
