A Projection Project

The other day an email was sent to the church from a person saying they were leaving the church because of some things the priest said in his sermon. Two important things to note: no one remembers seeing this person in church in the last couple of years; my husband, the current priest, likely arrived after this person stopped attending, and he definitely never said the things this person believes they heard. This was a mere passing topic of conversation at the dinner table and not a major crisis or anything like that, but it did remind me of something that I really struggled with in ministry … and in life: losing control of people's perceptions of you.

At my last appointment (what we Methodists call churches where the Bishop assigns us) I remember going to a Clergy Day Apart a few months after I started, I had walked into a bit of a tumultuous situation at that church and so I was hanging on to every piece of wisdom, direction or advice I could get. So when Bishop Bruce Ough talked about perfectionists I was all ears. He said that perfectionists try to control the way others perceive them. Yes! That was/is/sometimes is me.

Trying to make sure everyone sees you in a positive light is incredibly frustrating and difficult in any role, and I felt this particularly in a public role as pastor. There was at least one person who would not even set foot in the church they had attended for years because there is an F instead of an M next to gender on my driver's license. The other thing that makes this even trickier for me is my need for honesty, being real. I am very vulnerable in sermons, newsletter articles, small groups, etc. For me sermons come from the places where I see Holy Spirit and life intersecting and often that involves sharing stories and feelings from my life. So sometimes I leave situations feeling weird, as if I overshared and lost sight of how I was being perceived by others.

There are times, when despite our best efforts at being likable people just don't like us. I have certainly had these experiences and I tell myself it doesn't matter, I tell myself it does not change who I am but it still doesn't feel good. There was a person in a congregation I pastored that said untrue things about me. I trusted this person and when I found out they were telling people these things about me it hurt. As a pastor I always try to love people and be careful with my words so I pushed away the temptation to talk badly about them right back or say the angry things I was saying in my head.

There was no happy, picture-perfect resolution to that situation as much as I tried for one and I have no idea how many people still think those bad things about me, but … I'm ok. There have been more personal and painful rejections in my life and in the end I survived them all. One day as I was driving home from work contemplating some church conflict or something I was listening to a book on CD by Eckhart Tolle and the thoughts spinning in my head came to a crashing halt when I heard these words “you are more than other people's projections of you.” I can't tell you how many times I have repeated those words to myself.

I am back in ministry now, although in a very different way. Now I am quarter time and not the person in charge of running the whole church, but I am so glad to have those lessons in my toolbox now. Especially in such divisive times.

I listened to this podcast the other day called On Being by Krista Tippett and it was a conversation (yes an actual conversation) between Sally Kohn, a liberal pundit, and Erik Erikson, a conservative pundit. It was the most refreshing thing I have heard in a long time. These people on opposite sides of so many issues were able to reveal their hearts, their experiences, their beliefs and find goodness in the other. They were able to shed all of the projections put on them for a moment and talk. So many times we think we know someone because of what they believe or how they vote. We project onto them all of our fears, our frustrations, our heartache and passion and under all of those projections the actual human person can no longer be seen. Maybe it is time to start throwing away the projections, the emotionally charged emails, the nasty comments and really try to see each other.