We did it.

     When I was little my mom told me that I could be anything I want to be. I breathed a sigh of relief and said “good! Because I want to be Mickey Mouse.” I appreciate that I was taught to think big and that the world is full of opportunities. I hope my children will also know that they can be anything they want to be and that I will support them in that. However, I also wonder about the pressure of potentials.

     I have often seen people in their twenties struggle to settle into an occupation and part of this is due to the vastness of possibilities. Every decision eliminates other possibilities. Every pathway we choose means that there are these other potentials that will go unused. This can create a lot of pressure in deciding on a career but also I think it can make it difficult to feel satisfied in the ordinariness of everyday.

     Last week we were talking about this in the women's book group I am in. The book we are reading invites us to seek out the holiness and beauty in the ordinary, and one of the things that came up in our discussion was the sense of disappointment that can come with the ordinary. Many of us were told we could be anything and that we could be great. We wanted to change the world and then here we are brushing our teeth, doing laundry and listening to people complain. It can make us feel like our lives are a disappointment, a waste of potential. Like we should be doing bold brave things all the time.

     I feel this way about school shootings. I desperately want my children to be safe at school and I feel like I am failing them. I have joined advocacy groups, gone to rallies, shared what I believe can make a difference but it feels like not enough. It feels like I should be able to come up with something better, I should be able to use all of my potential, my intelligence, my skills to fix this problem for these little people who depend on me.

     At the Wednesday night Bible study I attend we watched a documentary on the week we were between two books of the Bible and it was about how physicians handle talking to others about death. One of the things I thought was very revealing and heart-breaking was when these extremely accomplished and hard-working doctors shared that every time they had to tell someone that there was nothing else that could be done and that the disease would kill them, they felt like it was a personal failure. These doctors shared that every time, no matter how often, they had to look at a patient and say that the treatment is not working and they were out of options they looked at it as them failing the patient. It's no wonder there is a high rate of suicide among those in the medical profession.

     I was thinking about this as I sat on a bench talking with my friend about what is next in life. We both have been stay at home moms for years and are starting to feel like it's time for a change. As I have personally reflected on this I have felt a mix of emotions. I feel excited but also I have felt sad that the days of having my kids with me all day are ending. I have felt nostalgic about all the great things we have done and their baby days. I have looked at myself and wondered why I struggle sometimes with being home lately. I have focused on my faults and the things I thought I would do or accomplish but have not. But when I was talking to my friend I had this thought … we did it. I knew there would be challenges when I made this decision. There were some really difficult times (babies that did not sleep, PPD, winter days stuck in the house on end, temper tantrums, etc.) but we did it.

     So often I focus on what I am not doing, what I should be doing, what I could be doing and so rarely do I say to myself “I did it.” I believe that expecting more from ourselves is good and we should always push ourselves to be better and do great things, but weighty expectations and feelings of disappointment are stifling and rarely inspire great actions. Also we are just people, it's good for us to realize our limits and dependency on relationships with others and on God.

     I look at the people around me and I am amazed at the wonderful things they have done or are doing even as I hear them saying they feel like they haven't done enough. I rarely extend that same amazement to myself and my own accomplishments (except the other day when, after my children and husband begged me to play and after many many losses I actually took first place in one level of Sonic All Star Racing and I celebrated my accomplishment excessively and exhaustively).

     Today I got the kids fed and ready for school, I brushed my teeth, made the beds, led morning prayer at the church, participated in book group and have now managed to find a quiet place for a bit of reflection before preschool pick up. Yet I am disappointed in myself for missing my gym time. My hair is a mess, my car smells from old snacks shoved in seats, my shirt is super wrinkled and there are huge problems in the world I have done nothing to help, but for just a minute I'm going to pat myself on the back because even though I am not (yet) Mickey Mouse … I've done and been part of some great things and I'm doing ok.