Bad Parenting

Last week there was no school on Monday. Tuesday we woke up to a blizzard outside and an email saying school was cancelled. My kids were thrilled, we love snow days. The day started great: I made pancakes and bacon and let them stay in their pajamas, but as the day went on it turned less fun. All three of us took turns being cranky and short with each other. One of the kids cried at least every hour and I was constantly getting blamed for their unhappiness (you won't let me have candy, why can't I do this, etc.). In a last ditch effort to save the day I bundled up with them and we had a snowball fight, but of course that ended in frozen fingers and sadness. My oldest kept saying he wished daddy was home and my youngest wished grandma could come over. So at the end of our cooped up bonus day home I felt like a terrible mother.

I often get stuck in my head second guessing and doubting but especially when it comes to how I am raising my kids. I just so badly want to do it right. I was a straight A student, always turned in my assignments on time, and followed directions well. I wish parenting could be as clearly defined as school. I would love to know exactly what I need to do, and when I have done it a gold star by my name would be great.

I let my kids have a piece of candy or a sweet every day, once a week I put a frozen pizza in the oven and call it dinner, I let my kids play video games or play on the tablet for an hour each day (more on Saturdays when I want to sleep in), I worry about them, sometimes I hover, sometimes I let them do things other parents wouldn't, sometimes I lose my temper and yell, sometimes I push them too much with my high expectations, sometimes I don't push them enough and enjoy babying them, I haven't devoted enough time to teaching them how to ride a bike, I say no when they ask me to play video games with them, I tell them about things happening in the world that might frighten or worry them, I give them processed foods for snacks and I only buy organic when it is on sale. Before I had kids I thought I would teach them a foreign language before they turned 5 … I haven't. Some of those things will seem like terrible parenting decisions to some and some will seem like parenting wins to others.

Next I could list things I am proud of, but who even knows what that is because every single decision can be criticized, picked apart and in hind sight seem like a bad one. Trying to always do everything right is very hard. On that snow day when the kids and I were all getting frustrated my oldest said “I get mad at myself because I want to be perfect at everything.” That crushed me. I felt guilty that maybe he picked that up from me. I also felt so much compassion for him and wanted badly for him to know how much he is loved unconditionally.

When my husband and I traveled to England for ten days last summer it was our first time being away from the kids and stepping out of my everyday situation gave me the opportunity to reflect on it. I was well-rested, relaxed and in the moment. I told myself “this is how I need to be.” This is who my kids want. They want me to be myself … relaxed and in the moment, not trying to predict all the mistakes I am making that they will tell their therapist about 30 years from now.

But life happens, we get tired, we get frustrated and we get caught up in trying to do everything right. The other day I was talking to a mom that I think is great. Her kid is kind, intelligent and well-spoken. In fact, everyone that knows him says these things about him. She is great at her job and a great mother. She casually mentioned a conversation she had with some other moms about how they all felt like bad mothers. It surprised me because of course she isn't a bad mother. I guess we are all just trying our best and then trying even harder to be ok with that.

I thought about that, went home, decided we were making our own pizzas that night, let the kids put pretzels and goldfish on their pizzas, carried dinner downstairs and let them watch tv while we ate. We left the mess downstairs to deal with later. And we were all happy …