Home

Where is home for you? This question has so many answers for me. Every now and then I have a series of dreams about the house I spent my childhood in, and I still haven't figured out what it represents for me. Now the place I call home is this lovely house I share with my husband and two kids. There are other places that I have called home and places that always bring me a sense of home when I recall them; like the chapel at the seminary I graduated from, the church I grew up in or gatherings with extended family. But over the years there has always been one place that week after week I have come home to no matter where I lived or what I was doing with my life. From the time I was born church has been that place for me. The prayers, the altar, the cross and of course the Eucharist are my home no matter what building they are in. My middle school years were particularly difficult for me. Everything I new to be normal was changed: family, house, friends, how I looked, etc. It was during that time that I really dove into my faith. I asked questions like crazy during confirmation classes and soon felt a calling to be an ordained pastor. When everything was changing that place was home and I knew it would always be there. It was where I could be me, ask any questions I had and be accepted.

So as I looked into the shocked and overwhelmed faces of the teens I work with as a youth pastor it was difficult to tell them in addition to everything else in their life: school, sports, friends, work, the church would also be closed. I know, I know that the church can never be closed as the people are the church and of course the Holy Spirit is not contained in the walls of that fancy building, but it still totally sucks that this place that has been so steady and constant in our lives isn't there at a time when everyone is freaking out.

That first week after the schools closed it was a flurry of zoom schedules, facebook live plans, tripods, webcams, video editing software and phone calls. I felt energized by the opportunities God was calling us to as a church. The truth is all of us (like all of us in the entire world) were in shock and just trying to figure out our way through all of this.

Now it is week four and I find myself thinking again about home. Many of us are stuck in our houses in a way we have never before experienced. So in a sense we are home, yet the ways in which we have built our lives, made meaning and planned our days are completely upended. Everything is different and there is no definite end date.

I believe the best way to get ourselves through this time is to find our way home. I came across the phrase in a book discussion I am in (on zoom of course). We are reading “Love Heals” by Becca Stevens and at the end of the book she lists twenty-four spiritual practices that guide her staff and community in the rehabilitation work that they do. The twenty third spiritual practice listed is “Find Your Way Home.”

I asked the others in the group what this meant to them and one woman shared that her heart aches for those who are younger and have not yet had the life experience to help them find home within themselves. I thought about that a lot. It is true that in all of the panic, worry, uncertainty and heaviness of these days I am relying on the resources I have developed within myself. I have had some lovely realizations that have brought me great comfort. One of those is realizing that I am not the same person I was when I experienced post-partum depression, one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. Now I can see how I learned and developed inner resources of strength from that.

Through other stressful events these past few years I have found myself wanting to go to my room, lay down and quiet my mind. When I am looking for peace I look deep within and find it. For me, this is the presence of the Holy Spirit within me. It is a church that I can never be separated from no matter what life brings.

These days have been hard, every time I cough I have a pang of worry that I “have it.” I feel out of control, I worry for others, I wonder how long it will last and some days feel heavy, but I do know and trust that I can always find my way home to that healing presence within.

And I know that the young people I work with are building up those resources and finding confidence in their own ability to find peace within through this experience. I never want to diminish their pain, but I do see that this situation is an opportunity to look for a steady and lasting peace, one that is best felt in times of deepest need. A place that is home, no matter what happens.