Deep Breath

Last week was a stressful week. On Tuesday morning I woke up to a voicemail from my doctor saying the ultrasound they took to see if my gall bladder was ok showed something on my left kidney. She said it could be benign lipoma or it could be kidney cancer. I have a new phone and a free trial of voicemail-to-text so I stared at that message as my stomach churned and my hands got shaky. I told my husband and we both had so many questions, but I was determined to not Google it since I thought that would stress me out more. I immediately tried calling my doctor, it would be a few hours before I could get a hold of her nurse who could only tell me what was in the message. I tried to get a sense of the likelihood of each possibility but she would only say we had to wait and have a CT scan to find out. I led morning prayer, I cried to my in-laws who were visiting and then I waited.

Just a few days before that, I started reading The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. It is about the Enneagram. I had read an Enneagram book before and of course had done the click bait online quiz but the way this book described the type 6 really spoke to me … in a way that made me uncomfortable. It is true that I am a worst-case scenario type thinker. I wish I wasn't and I cringe when I see that “what if” thinking in my kids. But I realized that feeling shame about it or seeing it as a malfunction was not helping me in life. So I was trying to claim it in a positive way, along with my need for assurance and dislike of being alone. I started saying it out loud and finding the ways this type of thinking has helped me in life.

Then I got that message. It was 6 pm before I heard back from my doctor. She said it most likely was not cancer which brought me a lot of relief, but I still had more waiting to do for more reassurance. Wednesday I tried to stay positive but the what if thoughts came. What if it was colon cancer that had metastasized to my kidney (I don't know if that is a medical likelihood but again I refused to Google)? What if I had to tell my kids and they worried about me? The questions popped into my mind at just the right times to tangle my stomach in knots and take away my appetite.

I will say though that I relied on the things that I know calm me down and they worked. Deep breathing exercises for when I felt panic coming on. Conversations with people where I found myself actually talking and thinking about other things. Time outside which always takes a layer of anxiety off my shoulders. Exercise. Prayer and relying on my deep faith that God is always with me.

Thursday morning I was awake much earlier than I needed to be for my CT scan. My husband told me about a call he received in the night, a man from church with two young children whose wife I have befriended, died of colon cancer. We would also find out that day about a beloved church member receiving an unexpected cancer diagnosis.

I went to the CT scan and could barely find my voice to check in at the front desk. As I laid down and put my arm out for the die injection a few tears came down my cheek. I told the very kind radiology tech that I was worried it was cancer and that I have two small kids, she said “I understand, I am a mom.” I went about the day constantly looking at my phone and wondering when I would hear. I took the boys to my mom's swimming pool and set aside my phone so I could lay on a raft shaped like a giant slice of pizza. I just floated along and watched the edges of the clouds, how the pieces of white just evaporated into thin air, and I felt calm.

Friday I woke up and stared at my phone thinking my doctor might call at 7:30 am like she had before. I tried to be patient but called the office a few times until finally at 4 pm I got to talk to my doctor. They were benign lipoma. Follow up is an ultrasound once per year to see if they grow.

Relief. Thank yous to the loved ones keeping vigil with me, to God for staying with me and finally a return of my appetite.

It's hard to post this knowing that others do not get the same good news and that at some point all of our bodies break down and we have to deal with the reality of that. But I will say that as much as I am a type 6 (with all the “what ifs” I have asked and all the worry I do) I showed myself that I can hold it together when I need to. I also saw all of the wonderful people I have in my life who truly care and show me that I am not alone in whatever difficulties life brings.

So now I am back to normal life, except with a few extra medical bills. I recently watched “Right Now” the new Aziz Ansari Netflix stand-up comedy special and in it he talks about how much he appreciates everything more in his life after being confronted with the very real possibility of losing it all. I know that bodies are not perfect, aging takes its toll and there may well be more anxiously awaited test results at some point down the road for me, but right now I gotta say the way the leaves are reflecting the bright sunshine sure is beautiful.