The Agony and Joy of Eating

Food and I have a long history. I realize everyone has a long history with food, being needed for survival and everything, but I have a strange history with food. I can't remember when it started but I have always been very self-conscious about my eating. I think it started with the frustration my picky eating caused my parents and the resulting teasing at the dinner table. I dreaded church dinners and we were active Methodists so there were a lot of church dinners. I would take my place in the line in the Fellowship Hall of our church, pass by the rows of casseroles, jellos and salads quietly, hoping to avoid notice would place one roll on my plate before returning to my seat. I was never successful at avoiding notice. It didn't help that I was a super skinny kid so everyone felt they needed to say something about what was, or wasn't, on my plate. I hated it. I begged my mom not to make me go to Wednesday night Youth Club at our church, not because I didn't like it. I loved the crafts, choir and Bible stories but the dinner time was agony. I never knew if I would get a table parent that would make us all finish what was on our plates and I usually didn't like most of the food.

My poor Lebanese mother. It must have pained her. Hospitality/feeding people is basically the number one moral standard in her side of the family. She tried forcing me to eat things, which meant I spent hours at the dinner table trying to psych myself up to chew and swallow cut up bits of steak. She tried explaining that when she was a kid there was no option, they had to finish all their food, she tried the “starving children in Ethiopia” approach, threats of illness from lack of nutrition, and it never made it easier. In my defense I was a super well behaved kid and almost never got in trouble, but when it came to food I just couldn't be an easy, obedient kid. It was too gross!

My mom did pack me delicious school lunches that were the envy of my classmates. And, even though my lunch was always full of foods I actually liked I can remember many times in first grade not eating any of it. Sometimes I threw the food away, sometimes I brought it home and told my mom we didn't have time to eat and one time I remember telling my teacher my mom forgot to send me with a lunch which ended up eliciting sympathy and attention I did not want. By second grade I ate lunch and starting eating more than a roll at church dinners, but I dreaded the eating part of dating in high school. I wished we could just go to the dance without the dinner beforehand.

Then I became a pastor and a pastor's wife, which meant so many church dinners! I do not dread them like I used to. In fact, I have eaten some great food at church dinners. My husband and I have been hosting gatherings with food at our home once per month ever since we became solo pastors ten years ago and I enjoy it. I enjoy having people over and being social.

That's what has made this summer difficult. Part of my weird relationship with food is my digestive issues. Ever since I can remember I have had a sensitive stomach. At least once per month since some time in high school I wake up in the night with horrible stomach pains and spend an agonizing hour in the bathroom while my family sleeps. While it has helped maintain my weight, I would not recommend it. Every trip I have taken, every time we go to a movie after dinner, every long car drive after a meal has been a gastrointestinal struggle for me. This year I decided I can't keep doing this. I am getting older and need to be more careful with my organs. 

When I was in high school I was diagnosed with IBS, ten years later I had my first colonoscopy and was given the same diagnosis but I was never given any guidance on what to eat. So much has changed in the world of food sensitivities and eating that I decided to see what another doctor thinks.

After blood work, ultrasound and a GI doctor I now have a list of foods I can and can not eat. It is pretty ridiculous. Also, when I stopped eating gluten my stomach pain and headaches noticeably decreased so I'm off that too. There are so many things I can't eat if I want to be kind to my stomach and it is annoying but oh my gosh does my stomach feel better!

But, now I am back to being a socially awkward eater. We all know what it is like to have someone with food allergies or sensitivities over for dinner. It is more complicated and the polite/don't want to cause any trouble part of me hates that. I apologize to waiters for asking if anything has gluten and double checking that nothing I have ordered is fried or cooked in cream.

Being a pastor and a pastor's wife involves a lot of social eating. Which is great, after all the pinnacle of our worship is a sacramental meal of bread and wine (fortunately my church has a gluten-free option). In our world of food sensitivities, diets and allergies we have to somehow hold onto the communal meal as a place where we not only come together in our humanity and shared needs but we experience Christ incarnate and ingest the Holy Spirit. So I will brave the awkwardness, hope that the salad doesn't have ranch or croutons on it and keep trying this difficult thing we call community.

Gelato ... not on my list of "safe foods" but so good