What it's really like ...

              At 3 am I was startled awake by my nine-year-old standing in front of my bed.  “Mommy, I think I might throw up.”  The next four hours were a blur of gentle touches, trashcans, reassuring words, prayers and cartoons in the dark I saw through sleepy eyes.  Was it COVID? Would we all get it? What meetings do I need to cancel today?  All the while I still had a pit in my stomach from when my doctor called to tell me my first mammogram showed something in one breast.  Two days later after covid tests and lots of laundry I randomly picked a seat at the school board meeting.  I quickly realized the people all around me were very upset.  As I sat there listening to the anger in people’s voices … anger directed at those sitting in the very same seats I am campaigning for, my mind bounced between feeling compassion for everyone upset, thinking about my messaging as a candidate, wondering if the covid numbers will keep rising, wondering if my kids will get covid and fighting that anxiety knot from the diagnostic mammogram scheduled the next day. 

               Days kept going full of meetings, emails, phone calls, youth group events to run, permission slips to gather, sermons to prepare [I just had to pause and text my husband, asking him to bring home my vestments because I left them at the Episcopal Church and I need them for serving Communion at The Methodist Church tomorrow].  As I bounce from thing to thing I remember that when I decided to run for School Board someone gave me this warning “as you campaign there will be traps along the way, be careful not to get caught in them.”  At the time I had no idea what he meant.  Now I know. 

               Everyone wants me to be something.  I am not conservative enough for the conservatives and not liberal enough for the liberals.  People tell me “I will support you if …”  and then tell me how to change my messaging.  I get invitations to events and have to ask myself if it is actually a way for me to share my message and connect with people or a way for people to put me in a corner, label me a certain way and then tune out everything I have to say. 

               Last Tuesday my husband had a meeting so I led Morning Prayer on Facebook myself.  The scriptures were: Psalm 26, Kings 8:65-9:9 and Mark 14:66-72.  Over and over again I kept hearing about integrity.  I felt emotional reading them because they felt like the exact thing my heart needed to hear.  Campaigning and being a pastor have many similarities.  In both situations people want you to align with what they already think and believe.  In both situations support from others can feel conditional and uncertain.  In both situations if you do not tend to your soul and remember who you are then you get lost.  Standing at all these school Open Houses reminds me a bit of standing in the post worship greeting lines.  Most people are in a hurry and you just try to say whatever you can as quickly as you can, some people are upset and you try to do your best to listen and respond in a way that is genuine and honest and some are ready to connect with you and you feel so appreciative of a moment to truly see another and feel seen. 

               Today I find myself with something rare: time to myself.  As I sort through all the anxious thoughts I have had these past few weeks, process the fears and think about the things that have upset me and why and also the things that have moved me and why, I find myself feeling like I want to cry.  Not the kind of cry I expected- not because I feel overwhelmed or scared or sad, but the kind of cry that comes from a heart overwhelmed with gratitude.  I feel so incredibly grateful.  The mammogram was fine, just dense tissue.  The kids are fine, all negative covid tests, all recovered and so incredibly happy to be going to in person school.  My mom just got her booster shot.  The big church event last Sunday went really well and was really fun.  I was the first name drawn for the ballot order lottery meaning I will be the first of seven names listed on the ballot (for three spots).  Several of the current school board members have been incredibly helpful and kind.  And I have gotten to meet some great people and learn about really wonderful things at all the schools I have been to.  I am learning so much.  And I got all nine burrs out of my dog’s fur with minimal biting.  All a reminder that I will be ok no matter what, not because life is easy, not because bad things don’t happen but because I can remember who I am regardless of all of that. 

Are you sure you want to do this?

 Sermon from 8/28/21 St Stephen’s Day Acts 6:8-7:2a, 51c-60

           For a few months now I have been preparing a campaign to run for school board.  I have met with teachers, principals, retired educators, trusted friends, students and community members to learn from their perspective and hear their concerns.  It has been a valuable learning experience.  Out of these diverse perspectives there has been one question that seems to come up again and again, one question that almost inevitably finds its way into either the beginning or end of a conversation, and that is: “Are you sure you want to do this?” 

          It is asked out of care, concern and a realistic understanding of the divisive world we live in today, where anything you say or do will make someone mad.  In addition to this, those who have known that I am running have sent me links to articles about school board meetings across the country breaking out into shouting matches or sometimes, even worse, fist fights.  I have seen videos of school board members being escorted to their cars amidst screaming parents making angry gestures.  And through it all I continue to be determined, fueled by my care and concern for my own children, the children I know through volunteering in the schools, the teens I minister to here at our church and fueled by my deep hope and passion for a future with hope, a bright future of opportunity, respect and possibility. 

         And yet, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was being invited into some serious contemplation by the Holy Spirit on Wednesday.  It was that same question, the “are you sure you want to do this?” Only this time it was in a text message I saw on my phone as I sat right in the middle of a contentious school board meeting, just a few blocks away from here.  People were angry.  The kind of angry that skips polite greetings, proper procedures and waiting your turn.  There was shouting, booing, clapping, tears and just a general feeling of unease.  Again, I wasn’t deterred, seeing all the more the importance of having people on the board who are open-minded and able to stay calm under fire.  And then I listened to a story on NPR about school board meetings in America.  They interviewed one woman, a school board president, whose son drives her to meetings so that her car can’t be identified and she keeps a baseball bat by the front door now and immediately assesses what in the board room might be used as a weapon by angry citizens. 

          After hearing that story, I came home to reflect on the scriptures for today in preparation for this sermon.  First it was the reading from Jeremiah where God tells Jeremiah to prophesy to the people and he does, he says what God tells him to say and they say, “you shall die!” and gather around him.  And in the Gospel reading from Matthew we hear Jesus say, “Therefore I send you prophets, sages, and scribes, some of whom you will kill and crucify, and some you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town …”  And of course the story of the saint we celebrate today, St Stephen.  A man who, even though he was “full of grace and power, did great wonders and signs among the people” … and had “the face of an angel” was surrounded, dragged and stoned to death because of the words he spoke about Jesus. 

        It’s a lot.  A reminder that even when you are called to something, even when you speak for the benefit of the community, even when you believe you are speaking a prophetic word from God … there are no guarantees for your safety.  In fact, it might actually be more likely you will make people angry.  Truth-telling is not usually the way to make people happy.  Basically, what I heard again and again in the readings for today is: “are you sure you want to do this?”

         As I was contemplating all of this I also had the usual worries about my kids being in school during a pandemic, my husband running a church during a pandemic and other disrupting thoughts- paired with a jam packed schedule where I literally needed to be in multiple places at the same time.  If anyone noticed my shrinking, picked at fingernails they might have asked “are you sure you want to do this?” 

          In the midst of all of this I was reminded of something.  Something we all know in a deep place within ourselves, something we forget, we drown out with worries, disappointments, hurts and fears.  Something at the heart of Jesus’s words to every grieving and depleted person he met.  Something found in the faith of Jesus on the cross and echoed by Stephen as he cried out on his knees surrounded by bloodied rocks ... “I will be ok no matter what.”

         I have a framed quote by my bed from St. Julian of Norwich, it says “All shall be well, all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.”  She said this not as she sat at a park on a perfect weather day beneath the warm sun and smiling sweetly at the chirping birds.  She wrote these words in the midst of an illness that almost took her life, a persistent illness she suffered through.  In the midst of dramatic visions that made her sound crazy to outsiders.  During a difficult time period where the future was uncertain and disease was rampant.  As she knew the realities of pain and was surrounded by uncertainty she proclaimed “all shall be well.”  Similar to “I will be ok no matter what” these are not situational words based on our conditional comfort or good feelings, this is instead a deep truth, one that comes from persistent faith and a willingness to connect with the Holy Spirit within.  It comes from the moments when we let ourselves give in to God’s abiding presence and experience that peace which passes understanding.

        When I read the Acts reading and feel that tension build.  When the people are angry and accusing Stephen and he doubles down on his indictment of their hardened hearts, their refusal to listen to the Holy Spirit … I kind of want to say to him “are you sure you want to do this?” But he does not waver, he does not soften his message and no one around can deny that he is “full of grace and power.”  Even as they close in on him, even as his body is overcome, even when he knows he will die, he boldly speaks from faith and assurance, the kind of faith that knows that “all shall be well” even when pain and fear are screaming otherwise.  And his last words are asking God to forgive those who brutally murder him.  Stephen unleashed a well of peace, love and courage that continues to pour out all these many years later as we read his words and commemorate his life and death. 

          And so our church bears his name.  As I strain my neck to look up to the top of the tower from down at the bottom I think about when those stones were laid.  When the founders of the church invested their time, talents and money to build this beautiful building.  A testament in stone to a hope that lasts longer than our bodies, a faith that cannot crumble or be shaken.  Did others ever ask them “are you sure you want to do this?” as the tower stretched higher and higher.  And now here it stands in the midst of a busy downtown, through all weather, through pandemics, through uncertainty, through fears and division.  And it bears the name of St Stephen, the man who knew “all shall be well.” 

          

Image from https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/pronoun-policy-debate-leads-chaos-virginia-school-board-meeting-n1272134

Sermon from Grace and St Stephen's August 22

 

John 6:56-69

          Many of you may know by now that I have thrown my hat into the ring for an upcoming local election.  It is true, I am now a bit of a politician, although trying to manifest only the positive aspects of that.  It has been a wild ride full of learning, meeting new people and studying everything from educational funding in Colorado to yard sign prices.  It also means that I have managed to find one more area of my life in which I am completely dependent on volunteers.  Being a pastor, running a youth group, various boards and committees, PTA, other school involvement- all of these things that I have devoted my life to have one thing in common- they depend on volunteers.  And now I have added a campaign to the mix.

          It is a tricky thing, enlisting others to give of their time.  You want to start soft, so as not to scare them away and also to make sure you can rely on this person.  The last thing anyone wants is a family playing Mary, Jesus and Joseph that doesn’t show up on Christmas Eve.  When you find really great, reliable, passionate people you want to say “will you please do this major responsibility that will be hard and take a lot of time but we really need you!” but you realize all that will get you is a hole in the wall shaped like their body as they flee as fast as possible.  And when someone comes up to you and says “I want to volunteer, what can I do.”  I find myself so overwhelmed with relief, disbelief and ideas that I may only manage to say something ridiculous like “great, can you carry this piece of paper to the other end of the room.”  And then regret the wasted opportunity. 

          Now before you start getting anxious about what sign-up sheets will be passed out at the end of this sermon, please be at ease, this is not a drawn out attempt at finding someone to manage the dunk tank at the church picnic next week … although … if you feel so moved … I could use that.  But rather, this is my reaction to the Gospel reading today.  The first thing that stood out to me are all the people who bailed on Jesus.  After Jesus’ words about eating his body and drinking his blood and his assertion that he is the Son of Man, John writes, “Because of this, many of his disciples turned back and no longer went about with him.”  Jesus was not into the soft sell.  It was eat my flesh or go home.  And many of them did go home.

        It’s a bit hard for us to imagine today.  Here we are thousands of years later worshipping Jesus who we never even got to see walking around doing miracles.  These early followers decided to leave after they saw the miracle of the loaves and fishes, Jesus walking on water and they got to hear all of his teachings first hand and be in his physical, earthly presence.  It’s hard to imagine walking away from the Son of God standing right in front of you.

           At the same time, I kind of get it.  In verse 60 the disciples say “This teaching is difficult.” Scholars say that the word difficult could also be interpreted here as “unacceptable, hard, offensive.”[1]  He was telling people to eat his flesh and drink his blood.  Definitely an offensive ask without the hindsight we have now and the Eucharistic understanding we carry.  And it was offending a lot of people, people with status, people with learning, people with power. 

          It was also going to get violent.  His flesh would be broken, his blood spilled … he would be killed and it would be gruesome.  So, yeah I get why some people might decide to cut and run at that point.  Jesus isn’t asking for someone to bring a dish to the Passover potluck.  He is asking them to stick with him through despair, violence, offensive teachings and death.  And to stand with him against a lot of people who wanted him to go away. 

         Sometimes I want to cut and run and the stakes aren’t even that high.  Sometimes life just seems completely overwhelming.  The other day I saw a sweatshirt advertised that said “what if it all works out?”  I have come up with a lot of “what ifs” in my lifetime and that one almost never makes it into my thoughts.  We don’t know how things are going to go.  We don’t know if covid will keep getting worse, if we or our loved ones will get a bad case, if we are making the best decisions right now, or when it will all work out.  We don’t know how tests, elections and hard conversations will go.  Meanwhile the news is full of scary stuff.  People in Haiti getting pounded by natural disasters, hazy air from raging wildfires, desperate people chasing planes in Afghanistan and full hospitals.  When we go about our work of doing good in the world, of bearing hope, of boldly speaking for peace and love … sometimes the uphill climb is overwhelming.  And perhaps you, like me, have moments where it feels like too much. 

          Then the question goes from, how could those early disciples walk away from Jesus to how did Jesus manage to keep anyone around?  It is a big ask.  “Follow me” even when everyone else is saying not to. “Follow me” even when it feels like too much.  “Follow me” even when the blood is shed and the flesh broken and it seems as though all hope is lost.  All it will take is your whole life, your heart, your mind, your spirit …

          This makes me think of a hike my family did a couple weeks ago.  It was at the end of a vacation where we hiked a lot and it was a hazy, hot day but we decided to stop at Hoosier Pass.  The views were amazing, but at such a high elevation the breathing was getting harder and the steep paths were making our legs burn.  Our kids started to express their doubts.  I started to wonder if they were right.  Maybe we should just enjoy the views from where we are, it is getting hot and harder to catch my breath.  How long would the path go, what if it gets harder, the kids have little legs, maybe it’s time to go back?  We decided to go just until a curve in the path and just see what’s on the other side.  As we neared the turn we all felt pretty good about turning around soon, but then we saw how near we were to the top and suddenly our legs had more stamina, our breathing felt more steady and it didn’t seem so bad after all.  So we went to the top, we took some pictures, breathed in the cool mountaintop breeze and headed back down feeling accomplished. 

        Our calling to follow Christ is more than a hike up a mountain, probably more like many hikes up many mountains with lots of tripping and falling along the way.  But like that rough patch in the hike, what matters is our spirit.  Jesus had a difficult ask.  He never did the soft sell, always after the full commitment.  Always after unconditional devotion.  There are no persuasive essays, fancy ads or eloquent stump speeches that can make that kind of conversion.  It has to come from the spirit.  It has to come from God’s spirit within and around us. 

          Preachers can talk until their voices give out, music can create an emotional response, technology can wow us but what it all comes down to is the same as it was when Jesus looked at those disciples and basically said “so, are you in?” The revelation of God through Jesus Christ is the same as it was and the same as it will be.  The commitment Jesus asks has not changed.  The promise of God’s presence in the bread and wine, the assurance of salvation, the unconditional love of God, it’s all still there. 

          And today, all this time later we will be confronted with the flesh of Christ and asked if we want to keep following.  It is more than a sign-up sheet, more than a time commitment, more than a raised hand.  It is a giving over of our hearts made possible only by the Holy Spirit.  God’s grace calls us, the Spirit nudges us, Jesus asks us … are you in? 

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[1] Moloney, Francis J. Sacra Pagina: The Gospel of John. The Liturgical Press, 1998. Pp 225

6 Years

 

    Through a series of circumstances, I found myself at a funeral a couple of weeks ago for a five-year-old boy who died in a very tragic accident.  I went alone and stood in a long, hot line among strangers waiting to get in.  Everyone was wearing bright colors as the family requested and young children got restless standing in the sun.  As I entered I was directed downstairs to the overflow room as the main worship space was completely full.  I sat in a folding chair in the corner and watched a slideshow of beautiful pictures from a brief life as the room filled.  Soon it was completely packed and we looked to the screen where my friend Iah, the rabbi of the synagogue, confidently but compassionately offered words of honesty, hope, assurance and comfort. 

            She led the service from behind a big picture of the child with his favorite stuffed animal and directly in front of his loving parents.  It didn’t take long for the tears to flow.  In the basement where I sat it was crowded, dark, stuffy and full of sadness.  Iah invited a soloist to come forward and as her beautiful voice began singing Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah the words cut deep.  Words about singing Hallelujah in dark and desperate situations.  To my surprise that crowded basement full of strangers and of all different beliefs started spontaneously singing along to the chorus.  In deep groans and emotionally strained tones the crowded room of strangers covered in tears sang together “Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.”  I knew I would cry that day, but I didn’t know my tears of sadness would be mixed with tears of hope … a hope that is found in wildernesses, deserts, darkened streets and crowded funerals.

            One of the central messages of the funeral was “may his memory be a blessing.”  When I left that space I knew I had been blessed by that little life that I never actually knew before his breath left his body. 

            All of this got me thinking about Laura.  She would have understood the emotions I felt, she would not have been afraid to hear this tragic story and she would have thought of some meaningful way to offer kindness to the family.   I thought of the ways in which her memory blesses my life. 

            It also got me thinking about her crowded, hot funeral with tear-soaked faces.  When I stood in front of her husband and children and so many others who were wondering how this world could ever seem normal again without Laura’s beautiful presence.  When her then ten-year-old daughter stood in front of all of those people and sang out “I believe in the sun … I believe in the sun … even when … even when … it’s not shining.”  I had that same salty mix on my cheeks, sadness with hope … the kind of hope found in wildernesses, deserts, darkened streets and crowded funerals. 

            If the past year has taught us anything it’s that this world can be scary.  Really scary.  Illness, accidents, heart break … they all exist in this earthly space right next to us as we try to find the sun even when it isn’t shining.  Sometimes I get scared.  I get overwhelmed with “what ifs,” I get overprotective of those I love; I get paranoid about my own health and everything feels so completely out of control. 

            Today is the feast day of St. Peter and St. Paul and in a sermon reflecting on the lives of those saints, St. Augustine speaks of Peter’s threefold confession, undoing his threefold denial of Christ.  Augustine says, “This threefold confession of love is necessary to recover what you lost three times by your fear.  Untie by love the knot that you tied about yourself through fear” (Celebrating the Saints, Atwell and Webber, 2001).

            Those basement Hallelujahs and confidently sung words from Laura’s daughter felt like love untying the knots of fear.  Laura was not afraid of the heavy stuff.  She listened to so many stories of love, loss and battles with cancer and gave them each her compassion, empathy and care.  She opened her heart to so many people.  She was honest and genuine about the deep sadness of loss.  She was honest and genuine about how awful her illness was, and yet, she carried herself with such amazing faith and peace.  Her memory is a blessing.  Six years later.  Her love continues to untie knots tied through fear.     

Sermon from Pentecost Eve, 5/22/21

 Genesis 11:1-9, Acts 2:1-11

             The Genesis reading today is the story of the Tower of Babel.  That famous story that serves as a strange antidote to any well-meant pleas of “let’s all live as one” and “teamwork is the best way” and “we are better together.”  Perhaps the trite summary of this story might instead be something along the lines of “Confusion is best” or “Please God by being a bad teammate.”  In the passage God appears to be displeased by human unity, ideals and aspirations.  And so the result is confusion, ambiguity and a bunch of different languages. 

          I wonder though … might there be benefits to the resulting chaotic existence?  Are there perks of living in a crazy world?  Maybe there is a case for confusion …

          In Robert Alter’s commentary on this passage he explains a bit about the origins of the word “babble” as he says, “a word like babble occurs in a wide spectrum of languages from Greek, Latin, and Sanskrit to Norwegian, and [is] … of echoic origin; probably not of continuous derivation but recoiled from common experience.” In other words, all across time and all across the world people have come up with the word “babble” or something similar on their own and based on their own experience.  Babble seems to be a universal language. 

          In fact, it is the first form of verbal communication for humans regardless of time and place.  The babble phase that babies go through is something I have always found completely adorable.  I remember fondly my little niece toddling up to me and expressing random noises with so much sincerity and passion, changing her vocal tone and facial expressions as though she desperately wanted me to hear what she was saying even though the actual words were utter nonsense … babble. 

          That’s the thing about babble, while it may be heard as nonsense, it is a genuine effort on one side to be heard, to be understood, to communicate.  One person’s babble is another person’s attempt to communicate.  We can either dismiss it as nonsense and go on our way sticking to the words we know and understand, or we can try to hear it, try to understand another person who wants to be heard but is struggling to get their message across.  

          I was thinking about this as I was speaking to a young person who was offering me words to describe themselves that I had never heard before.  I tripped on my pronouns and appreciated their patience as they tried to help me understand (through a mask even) these words that many people of their generation understand and use to convey how they identify themselves.  I had a choice: dismiss all of this as the babble of a younger generation and stick to the words I have used for years, or accept the invitation to understand this person better and learn how to better hear others of their generation. 

          I started thinking about all of the words I hear others say that I quickly dismiss as babble and in my mind turn into “blah blah blah.”  Like if you meet someone and they tell you where they get their news from or who they voted for or some theology that you have decided is not for you … and instantly your mind turns their words into “blah blah blah” … babble.  And because of this, we often find so many people today babbling at one another, turning away from attempts to be heard, filling their ears with air pods that will instead echo back what they already believe and talking and talking but never actually communicating with one another.

          Instead of listening, we sit safely in our certainty.  We do not need to hear the experiences of others because we already know them.  We have the answers so we can tune out the babble.  We are so certain that we are right so we can safely stay in our corner. 

          Pentecost messes that all up.  It’s a confusing scene, everything is ambiguous and nothing makes sense.  It’s utter nonsense: violent wind, divided tongues on fire and everyone speaking different languages.  In the reading from Acts today we see the effect this has on people … it makes them start asking questions.  It creates confusion.  How do they understand each other?  Aren’t these people Galileans? How am I understanding this?  It breaks their certainty.  It shatters the labels they had put on the people and makes them look inward.  The babble breaks down barriers and people start to actually hear one another and to understand.  And that is how the church is born … from confusion … lack of certainty … an ability to hear others. 

          I don’t know about you, but for me this past week has created a lot of ambiguity in regards to mask wearing.  As a person who likes to follow the rules I find myself not knowing what I should be doing.  I am vaccinated but my kids aren’t, some places still require masks, but some don’t … the cod says I don’t have to, some still say it isn’t clear … what to do?  One happy result of this confusion is we can’t instantly judge one another by whether or not our faces are half covered by a piece of cloth.  We do not know why someone is or is not wearing one and it may not be malicious intent or overprotectiveness … so we can dispense of our instant face judging.  Perhaps the ambiguity and confusion will enable us to drop the judgements and certainty at least enough to listen?

          I’m sure we will still find plenty of other ways to judge and condemn others and probably judge and condemn ourselves too … but along the way maybe we can dive deep into moments of ambiguity to actually open our hearts and try to hear what each other is saying?  Perhaps when we see people speaking all kinds of languages with tongues of fire on their heads we can pause and say “maybe this is something I should hear?”  Perhaps … we can take a break from our certainty to accept that God is the source of all knowing and our role as humans is to keep learning and depending on God’s wisdom to guide us?  Maybe before we dismiss the struggles, experiences, and self-revelations of others as babble we can embrace the confusion and try to hear each other.  I don’t know that we need another giant tower, but we do need a world built more on mutual care.  Amen.

Hindsight

 

Sermon from 3/7/21 John 2:13-22

          This week we will mark an anniversary: One year since the world shut down in what seemed like the blink of an eye.  One year since everything on our calendars was marked canceled, the stores sold out of toilet paper and we figured out if our webcams worked and how to share zoom links.  Don’t worry, we won’t be rolling out a cake or exchanging gifts for this anniversary, I won’t even say “happy” anniversary.  Our memento is half a million graves and our gifts are the masks we have learned to tighten around our noses. 

 

          When I think back to one year ago I have so many emotions and thoughts.  There are things I wish I would have known then and things I am glad I did not know … like how long it would last.  When we look at things in hindsight we can see it all with new wisdom but the emotions can still feel very real. 

 

          The Gospel passage today is written in hindsight.  The passage ends with “After he was raised from the dead, his disciples remembered that he had said this; and they believed the scripture and the word that Jesus had spoken.”  We get to hear the wisdom they have gained in hindsight. Looking back on it, they finally understand it and they believe.  I bet there are things they wish they would have known during those days of walking with Jesus and I bet there are things they are glad they did not know … like that the Temple actually would be destroyed in the near future.

 

          Even written in hindsight the emotions are still vivid, deep and palpable.  Perhaps more so knowing that the Temple was in fact destroyed and that the temple of Jesus’ body was in fact destroyed.  The “zeal” or passion Jesus has as he runs around shouting, throwing money and kicking over tables while flinging a cord around; the heat of the moment as he is challenged once again by arguments; the sadness of sharing his nearing death to ears that do not understand and the nostalgia the early hearers of this story must have felt as they heard their beloved and destroyed temple described … all of these emotions are strong, real and very relatable. 

 

          I can relate so deeply to these emotions and the rollercoaster of emotions during this past year.  The anger and frustration as we have failed again and again to come together, to agree to a shared set of data, facts and best practices that could end or slow the spread.  The political arguments, the anger and frustration over racial injustices, the people screaming at each other over mask wearing and the constant criticism for being too careful or not careful enough.  All the while marked by a sadness and despair as we wrestle with our mortality and feel the pain of so many mourning the loss of loved ones.  The emotions are strong, real and relatable. 

 

          I remember feeling just about every possible emotion during the holidays.  COVID numbers were spiking and so we carefully gathered in spaced apart circles, with masks, with limited numbers, mostly outdoors for our Christmas Eve service.  Meanwhile a quick swipe down my social media feeds showed people having large gatherings, going to parties and singing shoulder to shoulder without a mask in sight.  So there was frustration.  The service was beautiful and celebrating the birth of Christ in a field at night warmed my heart as we stood out on the lawn and held up the light of our candles.  But when I entered the worship space I felt a deep sadness that I wasn’t happily watching my children process down the aisle dressed as donkeys or angels.  During the days that followed as a new year approached I felt nostalgic for holidays of the past and my heart swelled with grief as my grandmother took her final labored breaths.  By New Year’s Eve I was ready to be done with the sentimental holidays and could only muster a half-hearted “celebration” with the kids as I set out sparkling grape juice and some silly hats for us to wear.  So we put on our pajamas, snuggled up on the bed with our new puppy and hoped we could at least faintly see the fireworks from Pike’s Peak.  It ended up being a clear night and the fireworks were lovely as were the giggles and hugs.  To my surprise I didn’t feel sad or nostalgic or frustrated at all … I felt complete peace, looking in hindsight at all the emotions of the past year as waves coming to and from the shore, gentle, rhythmic, changing, temporary …  

          That’s the beauty of hindsight; the emotions are still there but with the added wisdom and assurance that it all works out.  The destruction of the temple was utterly devastating, but as those earliest Christians retold the stories of Christ and remembered his words they understood, they believed and they knew it worked out just as he said it would. 

          Every year we retell these stories, every year we reenter into Lent and every year we have this time of careful reflection and repentance, but we always get to do it in hindsight.  We know the way the story ends.  When we read about the suffering and death of Christ the emotions are real but with the added gifts of wisdom and faith … knowing it worked out just as he said it would. 

          I can’t wait to one day gather together and look at the whole COVID experience in hindsight.  Some days I crave that deeply.  I wonder what our future selves might say to us as they look back to this time with hindsight.  Perhaps they might remind us of why we retell these stories, why we relive them, why we carry out our traditions and liturgies … so that we don’t forget the words of Christ … so that we never forget that they are always true and the love and assurance of Christ is true. 

Scary Sadness

    One of my go to methods for getting out of a spiral in my head is to go for a run.  This is especially true during these pandemic days when I start to feel trapped or frustrated or hopeless.  I count on the endorphins to do their thing and they usually do.  Recently I found myself in one of the valleys I sometimes encounter on this "safer at home" journey of peaks and valleys.  I set off for a run and put on one of my favorite podcasts "WTF with Marc Maron."  He was interviewing Zach Braff.  Zach was talking about the many losses he has been through during the past year and the impact that has had on his mental health.  He talked about his experiences with depression over the years. He talked about the times he felt sad due to circumstances and then the other times when his life was great but he just couldn't get out of his funk.  He talked about how those are the scariest ones, when there isn't a real reason but you just keep feeling depressed.  It resonated with me so much.  I am healthy, I have a great family, things are going well and yet sometimes I find myself stuck in a room of angst, sadness I can't put my finger on and a sense of impending doom. 

    When I am grieving a loved one the sadness makes sense and the tears flow freely with a kind of beauty that reflects my love for the person I lost. It is a sadness I expect and understand.  However, this other kind of sadness makes no sense to me, is unexpected, and I can never seem to "figure it out" or "solve it."  I have my go to methods like running, conversations with friends, meditation/prayer, long hot showers, therapy and other things that help, but because I never understand the why or how of it, there is always a fear that it won't go away.

    That fear came when I experienced post partum depression.  It was intense and terrifying.  It did not make any sense.  I was bonded with my baby, we were healthy, we were loved and I very much wanted him.  Yet there it was.  I couldn't shake it.  I kept thinking it should go away soon.  I should feel better.  I should feel grateful.  Yet there it was.  

    It did go away.  It took about ten months and there were a number of factors that helped.  I never lost my faith in God during it, but my faith in myself was pretty shaky.  I felt betrayed by my own mind.  I felt let down by my own inner resources.  I felt terrified that it wouldn't end and the person I was would be gone forever.  

    So when the scary type of sadness comes I have that voice in my head that says "what if it doesn't go away."  My life experiences have shown me that it will, but for many people it is hard to see that.  Believing that we shouldn't feel a certain way, comparing ourselves to others we feel are worse off and getting angry at our lack of gratitude ... all of this just adds shame to our sadness.  

    These days of isolation and uncertainty give us more time to think and more time in our heads.  My Facebook feed is full of people sick with COVID, my text messages are full of people grieving loved ones lost to COVID and the news is happy to report all of the dire statistics.  So the sadness can seem scary.  I try to remind myself that being human means having the full spectrum of emotions.  I remind myself of the gifts of faith and connection that I nurture when I am sad.  Mostly I remind myself that nothing lasts forever ... not even the scary sadness.