Been A While (From Fall 2013)

I haven’t blogged nearly as much as I planned to when I started this.  Today I was talking to a friend about blogging and I started to think about my reluctance to blogging.  I have thought of things to blog about, but just never written them.  Part of it is the combination of morning sickness/exhaustion and chasing a toddler.  The precious time I have to myself during nap time has become my own relax and sometimes nap time since I became pregnant.  But there is more to it than that.

There are many things that I miss about ministry and will look forward to returning to: the challenge, the dependence on and discipline of constant prayer, spiritual conversations, leading Bible study, being challenged by different views, the excruciating downs and soul-filling ups, creativity, new ideas, energy, etc.  Then there are some things I am happy to have a break from.  It is hard for me to talk about those things because I don’t want to sound unappreciative of my calling or make it sound like I was not enjoying my job … because I was. 

But I have decided to confess.  One of the things I am happy to have a break from is the judgment.  Sometimes it felt like everyone had an opinion (usually strong opinion) about everything I did, even things in my personal life (even sometimes what I wore, how I did my hair, how much weight I gained when I was pregnant).  Of course I often felt completely wrapped in compassion and grace and loved beyond my deserving by the people in my congregation, but sometimes the criticism of decisions, the judgments of so many people, the rumors I somehow became subject of … it was exhausting and frustrating.  Some days it felt like a weight upon my shoulders.  Some days it felt like the mission of the Church is so huge right now- there are so many in need, so many injustices, so much hopelessness and hatred to combat with the Gospel, and yet many get caught up in bickering over small details. 

So this is how it relates to blogging.  I feel like to have a good blog, or at least one that I myself would want to read, you need to be willing to be vulnerable and honest.  Vulnerability and honesty were my constant tools in preaching and opening myself up like that took a lot of energy and strength.  Sometimes I am happy to have a break from being so open and vulnerable with so many people.  Sometimes I don’t feel like reading the comments that seem to completely misinterpret what I was saying.  Sometimes I don’t want to give people material for judgment.  Sometimes I would rather keep my deep thoughts and soul-sharing to my prayers and close friends.

But I have also realized over these last few months of being a stay at home mom that sharing is part of who I am and I miss it.  For me sharing openly, honestly and being vulnerable is a spiritual discipline.  It draws  me closer to others and by their grace and love I am drawn closer to God and more aware of God’s presence in my life.  Also in sharing my wounds and being vulnerable I am made weak in a way that draws me nearer to the cross.  So I need to push myself to do it whether that means blogging or leading a Bible study or spending more time with friends. 

I have a friend who writes a blog that I absolutely love.  She has written openly and honestly about her battle with cancer and in her sharing I have felt connected more deeply to her, to the many others who read her blog and to the God who is very present in her suffering and joy.  Her blog continues to inspire me to push my boundaries.  Now … will I actually post this, or just close the computer and take a nap?