Pain (November 2013)

Last Wednesday I woke up at 3am thinking I was having some kind of panic attack. My heart was racing and I was shaking. I kept trying to fall back asleep but then at about 4am I started to get sick and it didn’t stop. I will spare readers the details, and just say I could not hold down anything even water. I don’t think I have thrown up like that since my 21^st birthday (yes I did drink too much one time in my life and swore never to do it again … and never did). I called my OB and the nurse explained that when you are pregnant if you start to dehydrate your body will go into survival mode and try to push out the baby and at 23 weeks of pregnancy that would be terrible. So I was told to go to the hospital and get fluids.

As the nurse was attaching the bag of fluid to my iv, she mentioned that the doctor had also included some Zofran in my iv. I was a little nervous, all I knew about Zofran up until now was that you are only supposed to take it if you absolutely have to (if the risks of taking it are outweighed by the risks of not) so I had avoided it during my 16 weeks of morning sickness. But as soon as it went in I was thankful for it. I felt so much better. I slept, relaxed and spent time happily thinking about my baby. As I was thinking and listening to baby heartbeats on the patients in the other beds over the sounds of piped in soft rock music, I started thinking about my last experience on that labor and delivery floor. Well, that’s not entirely true, the second I was wheeled through the doors I had to fight tears as I was overwhelmed with beautiful memories of when I had my son there. But this time I was thinking about it in terms of the next one. And I wondered if maybe I should get an epidural this time. Modern medicine is a wonderful thing, I take Tylenol, antacids and whatever else I have needed over the years. In fact I take Synthroid every morning to make up for the lack of thyroid hormone in my body. Why not take advantage of all that medicine has to offer and experience a calm, peaceful labor this time?

Then as I remembered the details of my son’s birth- the feeling of him coming down the birth canal, the look on my husband’s face, the rush of hormones that gave me the most peaceful feeling I have ever had in my life and the clear memory of every second, I started to think otherwise. The thing is, I believe women can have all of those experiences with an epidural or whatever else they take. I believe the evidence overwhelmingly shows that an epidural does not harm the baby. I really do not think there is anything wrong with it. But (and here is where I start to sound weird) there is something about the spiritual experience of pain that I really treasure. A key moment during labor for me was when I got my body to stop resisting the pain, as it naturally does, and accept it. Mentally, this meant accepting death. In my mind I really and truly had to let go of my fears and give myself over to my mortality, accept that I would die, accept that it was ok. And that was when new life came. For me, this was a profound connection to the death and resurrection of Christ.

I reassure myself that I am not as crazy as I sound when I remember the many saints throughout Christian history who purposely inflicted pain and suffering upon themselves in an effort to feel closer to Christ. I will not go that far, but I did feel a connection to women across time and a sense of empowerment.
So this is my perspective, just a different view for the conversation. When the pain comes will I ask for an epidural … maybe, but either way it will all be fine when I am feeling the warmth of a little baby in my arms.