Leaving (August 2013)

It’s a strange life we lead as United Methodist pastors. We sign up for a relatively transient life, at the call of the Bishop we can be moved from one side of the conference to the other. This has advantages and disadvantages. One advantage is that there is a level of separation that can be maintained between yourself and the community that enables you to be a prophetic leader, say the difficult things and while fully engaging your heart and soul in the ministry, also continually empower people to be the church because it is their church not mine. One colleague once put it this way “don’t drink the Kool-Aid.” In other words, remember that you are a leader, ordained, set a part, called.

So you enter an appointment (or church or calling, etc) knowing that it is not forever. That said, I am a relational style pastor. I thrive on creating and building relationships. I sometimes wonder if this is something I need to work on so I don’t end up taking things personally and getting emotionally involved in conflicts. But it has worked well for me and I have gotten to be a part of some amazing life journeys. I want to know more about people, I want to understand their perspective, I want to laugh together and feel like we are in it together.

This means it hurts to say goodbye. I have no doubt that it hurts every pastor no matter the circumstances of the leave, the denomination, the length of time served there or the leadership style. These people are part of your everyday life, you care about them and then suddenly you have no contact with them.
It has been over a month now since my last Sunday at Woodville and some people have asked what it was like leaving. It’s a hard question to answer. It was very hard to say goodbye to so many people that I cared about and valued. I said goodbye because I was ready to start a new chapter, this goodbye was on my own terms. I was ready to embrace life as a stay-at-home-mom and it has been wonderful. Here are a few snapshots of the roller coaster that is saying goodbye to a church:

As I stood there shaking hands and hugging people as they left worship on that last Sunday I could not help but let some tears fall as I looked into each individual face and came to terms with the reality that I would no longer be in their lives. And then when I went to the luncheon after it was as if a faucet was turned off. I saw people saying goodbye, I heard their kind words, I looked at the beautiful scrapbook that was made and read the stacks of cards, but there was no more emotional response in me. Maybe it was just exhaustion.
The next Sunday I went to my husband’s church. It is awesome sleeping in on a Sunday and walking a few blocks to church with my son in the stroller. I love watching him learn the parts of the service and singing the hymns with his tiny rambling voice. So I was happy to be there and everyone was so welcoming and excited.
And then I saw these little girls playing and I thought of the sweet little girls and boys who called me Pastor. The ones who trusted me, looked up to me, came into my office on Sunday mornings to give me hugs and drew me pictures. I opened my mouth to sing the hymn but nothing came out. I have had people tell me that they were nervous to come to church because they were afraid they would cry and I assured them that church is the place to let out your emotions and it is a safe space to do that. And then here I am fighting tears with everything I have. I did not want the kind people of my husband’s church to think I was sad to be there and I just wasn’t familiar enough with that space and those people to feel comfortable letting my emotions out. So I pretended my son needed my attention and looked at his books with him. By the time the sermon was preached I was feeling better, but still not ready for coffee hour conversations and stayed relatively quiet and isolated. The next Sunday we were on vacation and attended a different church and since then I have not had those emotions in worship.

When I ran into some folks from my last church at the zoo it seemed completely natural, like I was still seeing them every week. This made me realize that some of the reality has yet to come over time. And I am sure the next year will bring memories that will make me happy and some that will make me sad.
Right now I am just shocked by how quickly the days pass. Between meals, playtime, trips to the library, zoo and other things I wonder how I ever had time to work. I am excited each morning to see the new things my son will do and learn. I got to go to a friend’s bridal shower on a Sunday afternoon which is something I have never been able to do. And when my cell phone rings I don’t have to worry that someone is sick or dying or that there is a crisis in the church.

I do miss preaching and I have some opportunities to fill in for pastors coming up which I am glad about. I don’t like it when people call this my retirement because it is only for a few years. Retirement to me sounds like golfing and bird watching not potty training and finding creative ways to serve vegetables.
So that is what saying goodbye looks like right now. It may be different tomorrow. All I can really feel is thankful. Thankful for the awesome four years I had at Woodville and thankful for this amazing opportunity to spend so much time with my family.