Last week was a stressful week. On
Tuesday morning I woke up to a voicemail from my doctor saying the
ultrasound they took to see if my gall bladder was ok showed
something on my left kidney. She said it could be benign lipoma or
it could be kidney cancer. I have a new phone and a free trial of
voicemail-to-text so I stared at that message as my stomach churned
and my hands got shaky. I told my husband and we both had so many
questions, but I was determined to not Google it since I thought that
would stress me out more. I immediately tried calling my doctor, it
would be a few hours before I could get a hold of her nurse who could
only tell me what was in the message. I tried to get a sense of the
likelihood of each possibility but she would only say we had to wait
and have a CT scan to find out. I led morning prayer, I cried to my
in-laws who were visiting and then I waited.
Just a few days before that, I started
reading The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne
Stabile. It is about the Enneagram. I had read an Enneagram book
before and of course had done the click bait online quiz but the way
this book described the type 6 really spoke to me … in a way that
made me uncomfortable. It is true that I am a worst-case scenario
type thinker. I wish I wasn't and I cringe when I see that “what
if” thinking in my kids. But I realized that feeling shame about
it or seeing it as a malfunction was not helping me in life. So I
was trying to claim it in a positive way, along with my need for
assurance and dislike of being alone. I started saying it out loud
and finding the ways this type of thinking has helped me in life.
Then I got that message. It was 6 pm
before I heard back from my doctor. She said it most likely was not
cancer which brought me a lot of relief, but I still had more waiting
to do for more reassurance. Wednesday I tried to stay positive but
the what if thoughts came. What if it was colon cancer that had
metastasized to my kidney (I don't know if that is a medical
likelihood but again I refused to Google)? What if I had to tell my
kids and they worried about me? The questions popped into my mind at
just the right times to tangle my stomach in knots and take away my
appetite.
I will say though that I relied on the
things that I know calm me down and they worked. Deep breathing
exercises for when I felt panic coming on. Conversations with people
where I found myself actually talking and thinking about other
things. Time outside which always takes a layer of anxiety off my
shoulders. Exercise. Prayer and relying on my deep faith that God
is always with me.
Thursday morning I was awake much
earlier than I needed to be for my CT scan. My husband told me about
a call he received in the night, a man from church with two young
children whose wife I have befriended, died of colon cancer. We would
also find out that day about a beloved church member receiving an
unexpected cancer diagnosis.
I went to the CT scan and could barely
find my voice to check in at the front desk. As I laid down and put
my arm out for the die injection a few tears came down my cheek. I
told the very kind radiology tech that I was worried it was cancer
and that I have two small kids, she said “I understand, I am a
mom.” I went about the day constantly looking at my phone and
wondering when I would hear. I took the boys to my mom's swimming
pool and set aside my phone so I could lay on a raft shaped like a
giant slice of pizza. I just floated along and watched the edges of
the clouds, how the pieces of white just evaporated into thin air,
and I felt calm.
Friday I woke up and stared at my phone
thinking my doctor might call at 7:30 am like she had before. I
tried to be patient but called the office a few times until finally
at 4 pm I got to talk to my doctor. They were benign lipoma. Follow
up is an ultrasound once per year to see if they grow.
Relief. Thank yous to the loved ones
keeping vigil with me, to God for staying with me and finally a
return of my appetite.
It's hard to post this knowing that
others do not get the same good news and that at some point all of
our bodies break down and we have to deal with the reality of that.
But I will say that as much as I am a type 6 (with all the “what
ifs” I have asked and all the worry I do) I showed myself that I
can hold it together when I need to. I also saw all of the wonderful
people I have in my life who truly care and show me that I am not
alone in whatever difficulties life brings.
So now I am back to normal life, except
with a few extra medical bills. I recently watched “Right Now”
the new Aziz Ansari Netflix stand-up comedy special and in it he
talks about how much he appreciates everything more in his life after
being confronted with the very real possibility of losing it all. I
know that bodies are not perfect, aging takes its toll and there may
well be more anxiously awaited test results at some point down the
road for me, but right now I gotta say the way the leaves are
reflecting the bright sunshine sure is beautiful.
