I can't remember where, maybe it was in
one of the Buddhism classes I took in college, I came across the idea
that craving produces suffering. I found myself thinking about this
today. I had just gone for a run. I don't really like running but
it was one of those great runs that just flew by in a daze of deep
thoughts, butterflies, and friendly waves from neighbors. I sat on
the back porch to enjoy the endorphins, sunshine, lilacs, and
conversation with my husband. It was a real conversation, not just
“did you call the sprinkler guy?” kind of conversation. I felt
good, really good. From this pleasant perspective I thought about
the times I haven't felt good during this quarantine.
There are days when I miss church
deeply. In a world where so many haven't set foot in a church in
years I know that might sound weird. I don't mean it at all as a
judgment. Church is central to my life. When we go on vacation we
figure out what church we will visit while away. It is how I find my
way on my journey and along that journey I have come to really love
and appreciate the people I go to church with. I miss the feel of
holy wafer in my mouth and the loving smiles that greet me on my way
back to my seat. I am not the only person that misses church and
many are anxious to get back to our space and our physical gathering
(we are doing it online). It is difficult to navigate these waters
of longing, uncertainty, contagious breathing and doing all we can to
be part of the solution and not part of the problem.
There are days when I worry about the
impact this will have on my kids. When I was a kid I ran around with
a group of kids from the neighborhood for most of my summer days. I
hear from the friends I made in elementary school almost every day.
I so badly want my kids to be social beings and have supportive
friendships, but here we are trying to find new corners of our back
yard to explore. I miss my friends too. Virtual meet ups have been
great but there is nothing like a deep conversation where your
breathing syncs up and your eyes meet.
So many other things I miss. The
longing for these things, the wishing for normalcy paired with the
daily death count and stories of suffering makes for some heavy days.
Sometimes I find myself googling the latest vaccine trials, newest
treatment breakthroughs, and scientific projections because I need to
see a light at the end of the tunnel. I crave an end to the
separation, sickness, and job losses. I have found the best way to
combat these cravings is to plant myself solidly in the moment. I do
this by watching leaves blow or diving in to my kids' world and
whatever they are doing.
Many say that we are grieving. I have
certainly seen that process not just in myself but in those I work
with and communicate with. But grieving is hard to explain,
confusing, painful, and all over the place. I heard a beautiful
testimony of grief the other day from a podcast I have come to really
value. Some years ago I started listening to WTF with Marc Maron
because I loved the show Maron and it had ended. I was hooked
right away. He is very vulnerable, genuine and able to pull that out
of the people he interviews. After a good interview I feel like I
really know the person in a meaningful way.
Marc talks about his partner and how
they are quarantining together; she is a famous and talented person
as well. He talked about how she wasn't feeling well and on Saturday
I saw the news that she died suddenly at the age of 54. My heart
broke for this person that I have never met. When I saw he posted a
new episode on Monday morning I immediately grabbed my headphones and
listened. It was so brave and beautiful. He is devastated, sobbing
and heart broken, but all he could talk about was how much he loved
her and what a great person she was. He talked about memories and
gratitude and learning self acceptance and how to accept love.
Grief is devastating, painful and
unpredictable, but it can also open our hearts to lovely
realizations, appreciation, and deep wells of strength. Any grief I
feel over missing my usual routines is of course not the same as
losing a loved one, but it still cracks our hearts open and can point
us to ever present beauty and love. Tears can make us breathe a bit
more deeply and realize that while we were afraid of falling, it was
into the steady presence of our Creator and an inexhaustible supply
of love.
