Years ago when I started a blog I
titled it “Looking Out the Window” and that is just what I feel
like I am doing as I watch what is happening in The United Methodist
Church. I have been a United Methodist since I was born. It is the
church that guided me, taught me, nurtured my faith and supported my
calling. I went to a United Methodist Seminary and read through the
sermons of John Wesley while sitting next to George Whitefield's
thumb in The United Methodist Archives. I grew up going to plenty of
UMC conferences (Explorations '98 and '00, Youth Annual Conferences,
Youth Jams, etc.), I worked as a youth leader at three different
UMCs. When I was serving in West Ohio Conference, I went to
back-to-back annual conferences as my membership was (and is) still
with East Ohio. And in June of 2009, a journey that began with a
sense of call at age 13 brought me on stage in Hoover Auditorium in
Lakeside, Ohio for one of the most meaningful moments of my life …
my ordination as an elder (pastor) in The United Methodist Church.
It is very much home.
And yet, here I am looking at it
through a window. I am currently working at an Episcopal Church and
have been raising my kids in The Episcopal Church since I went on
VLOA- family leave status in 2013. Since then I have attended Annual
Conferences, done supply work at UMCs and maintained relationships
and connections in The UMC but I am not in the thick of things as so
many of my UM clergy friends are.
Both churches where I served as pastor
I would characterize as predominantly conservative congregations and
there were moments of tension over various things The UMC did that
were perceived to be in favor of same sex marriage or changing the
language of the Book of Discipline regarding homosexuality. I
remember the emotions, focus and energy those required of me. I
thought of that as I was reading a post about support/counseling/care
opportunities for clergy at the upcoming special session of the
General Conference.
Perhaps I should back up a bit because
not everyone has an inbox full of UMNS stories on what is happening.
A special session of The United Methodist General Conference
(representatives from every UM Conference/Area in the world) has been
called to deal specifically with The UMC's stance on same sex marriage
and the ordination of what the Book of Discipline would refer to as
“self-avowed practicing homosexuals.”
I thought about offering my own
synopsis of the three main plans (or 5 according to some sources) being put forward, but I am
definitely no expert and recommend instead googling the work of “The
Commission on a Way Forward” or the Council of Bishops' statements.
All of this is to say the church of my
baptism, confirmation, first sermon, wedding and ordination may be
breaking. It is quite possible that the institution will do what so
many institutions do best which is nothing, but even that will not be
without consequences, fractures and pain. I wonder what will happen
to the churches I have pastored that I remember so fondly and hold in
my heart. What will happen to the seminary that is so dear to me and
my husband? What will happen to the conference I call home and the
one I am currently living in? What will my future in The UMC look
like?
Most of all I find myself thinking
about those who do not have any distance from this right now. Those
who are in the thick of things. Those who are loving and listening
to those who have very different views and holding onto hope of
unity. Those who feel angry and hurt by angry and hurtful words.
Those who get into the pulpit with a pit in their stomach and
trembling hands because while they know God is with them, the
emotionally-laden words can become personal and it hurts.
Even though I may have a little
distance at the moment, I can't pretend this issue is not important
to me or that I have no investment in which way this goes. There is
a reason I tremble when I talk about it. My convictions, passion and
beliefs are so deep and so important to me. This is hard. So while
I watch I am doing what I can to stay informed, being careful with
my words and praying, praying, praying …
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