What if ... we relax?

     Mornings are a bit of a struggle for my youngest. He wakes up and declares that he hates school and is not going. I tell him that he is and then he tells me he is sick. Unfortunately he has been picking up every kindergarten virus going around so he has been sick quite a bit. When he isn't coughing, sneezing and tugging at an infected ear he has belly aches and head aches. I stopped packing him fruit juice, picked snacks that are gentle on his tummy and advised him to drink lots of water, but none of that seemed to help. He started saying things like “what if I have to go to the bathroom and I am somewhere without a bathroom?” or “what if I miss you so much that I freak out and get in trouble for crying?”

     The “what ifs” are not uncommon in our house, but it wasn't until I was reading the National PTA magazine's article about back to school anxiety and how it manifests that I figured out the problem. The poor guy was anxious. I wondered why and then looked in the mirror. I get stomach aches and head aches frequently and I know they are often the result of tension and anxiety. I too consider “what ifs” especially before I am in a new situation. I also like to have my family near and feel best when at least one person I know is present. Maybe my kid's anxiety is genetic but if it isn't caused by then it certainly is exacerbated by me and the behaviors I model.

     As I was considering this, I attended a really thought provoking and informative workshop at the local hospital about suicide and also participated in a discussion with the youth group I lead and a therapist about mental illness and various issues teens face. With alarmingly high rates of suicide in our county everyone is scrambling to figure out the cause. Of course technology and phones are always part of the conversation when adults are having it and there probably is something to that. Things like: bullying, social isolation, academic standards, extra-curriculars and a variety of other concerns are also usually raised. All of these are important but I also find myself thinking maybe we all need to calm down.

     I hate being told to calm down and it's an even harder phrase to say right now when I could be accused of quoting Taylor Swift, but maybe we need to say it to ourselves. Mental illnesses like anxiety and depression are not solved by someone just “cheering up” and professional therapy and medications are important treatments. I do not mean to make light of them. I have had panic attacks and they are terrible and certainly not helped by anyone condescendingly saying just to “calm down.” But I do think that regarding our general manner of being in and relating to the world, it wouldn't hurt to relax more.

     I recently listened to Marc Maron's interview with Tony Hale on Marc's WTF podcast and in the interview Marc does a great job digging into who Tony is and getting at his struggles and deepest identity. I love this podcast because I love digging into people and Marc is so good at that. What I have found from listening is that so many of these very famous people who would be traditionally labeled as “successful” have so many self-doubts, insecurities and fears. Tony Hale was no different. He talked about an appearance he did on Conan O'Brien. He said that after the show he was backstage talking to Andy Richter and he told Andy that he was disappointed in himself and how the appearance went. He felt that he wasn't funny and everyone would say he wasn't any good. Andy looked at him, smiled and said “it doesn't actually matter … we are all like paper sailboats out on the ocean … eventually we just go away."  His words made a big impact on Tony.

     I try to remember that when I am frantically cleaning the house before company comes. I pause and ask myself “does it really matter if they think I am not good at keeping my house clean?” No, it doesn't. Sometimes it seems like everybody is freaking out and there are certainly important and serious issues in the world to concern ourselves with but also sometimes we just need to unclench our facial muscles, breathe deeply and see ourselves as the paper sailboats that we are.