Entering
the “middle-aged” phase of life, taking time away from my career,
raising two children and an intense experience of post-partum depression
have all caused me to do some digging …digging into myself: purpose,
baggage, identity and also digging into life: meaning, purpose, coping,
joy. In the process I have been thinking about who I am and what that
means for how I relate to the world. So here comes this revelation which
is probably not shocking to those who know me … I am an emotional
person. I do not watch Lifetime Movies and weep or scream and yell for
no reason … which I think are some of the immediate images people bring
to mind when they hear “emotional.” Instead, what emotional means for me
is that I process things through my emotions.
When I was going through the ordination process (Candidacy Guidebook for UMers) I shared with my mentor that I was worried I was too sensitive for ministry. He was worried too because he knew how difficult ministry is, how emotionally-laden it is. So now after 7 years of full time ministry I have come to the conclusion that there is no sense worrying about this or trying to change who I am, it just is what it is. And this has many advantages.
Sure, it means that I do get upset and sometimes take it personally when people leave the church. My stomach hurts when there is a church conflict. My heart aches when I see pews full of grieving faces at a funeral and I care … genuinely. I think it also means I connect with people in a deep and meaningful way because I crave that. I like to draw people out and get to know who they are because that is what I am called to do, who I am, I love the connection to another human being. Maturity, experience and learning have enabled me to be a calm presence for others and control my emotions in times of crisis when I am in the role of pastor. So I can sit with those who are dying and be a collected and confident presence, but I still believe that my emotional nature has enabled me to connect with people in a way I really value.
Still, sometimes it just really hurts: ministry, relationships, family, life … it can hurt. When I experienced post-partum depression I felt like I was losing control of my emotions and it was terrifying. When I see some of my traits in my son I worry about the pain and heart ache that awaits. But I also love the excitement and meaning that awaits. I don’t really think anyone is completely emotion-less and stoic. I suppose it is a spectrum. Perhaps the best thing to do is own where we are on the spectrum, accept it and hang on for the ride.
When I was going through the ordination process (Candidacy Guidebook for UMers) I shared with my mentor that I was worried I was too sensitive for ministry. He was worried too because he knew how difficult ministry is, how emotionally-laden it is. So now after 7 years of full time ministry I have come to the conclusion that there is no sense worrying about this or trying to change who I am, it just is what it is. And this has many advantages.
Sure, it means that I do get upset and sometimes take it personally when people leave the church. My stomach hurts when there is a church conflict. My heart aches when I see pews full of grieving faces at a funeral and I care … genuinely. I think it also means I connect with people in a deep and meaningful way because I crave that. I like to draw people out and get to know who they are because that is what I am called to do, who I am, I love the connection to another human being. Maturity, experience and learning have enabled me to be a calm presence for others and control my emotions in times of crisis when I am in the role of pastor. So I can sit with those who are dying and be a collected and confident presence, but I still believe that my emotional nature has enabled me to connect with people in a way I really value.
Still, sometimes it just really hurts: ministry, relationships, family, life … it can hurt. When I experienced post-partum depression I felt like I was losing control of my emotions and it was terrifying. When I see some of my traits in my son I worry about the pain and heart ache that awaits. But I also love the excitement and meaning that awaits. I don’t really think anyone is completely emotion-less and stoic. I suppose it is a spectrum. Perhaps the best thing to do is own where we are on the spectrum, accept it and hang on for the ride.
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